*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
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I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
describing stardew valley
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.