*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

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“I love all quilts, regardless of quality.” – blanket statement


God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]


[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”


No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March


me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet


Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.


“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”


ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.


M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today?

Me: I’m just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M’s and all I got was this bag full of W’s! I want my money back!

Rep: Ma’am, please calm down. It’s ok. Just flip it upside down

Me: well this is embarrassing