@BaldyLockzz

* tries to spread peanut butter *

Peanut Butter: I have a boyfriend

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@RadOrDie

Give the chick a break. Kristen Stewart TOTALLY looks sorry. Or happy. Or sad. Or constipated.

@jessokfine

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

@VictorscarletJ

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

@iinkedZombie

ME: were you paying attention to anything I said?

9 YEAR OLD: I don’t even pay attention to anything I say.

@BoogTweets

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

@Gupton68

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

@RocketRankoon

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

@mooseandriosmom

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.