@BaldyLockzz

* tries to spread peanut butter *

Peanut Butter: I have a boyfriend

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@Reverend_Scott

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

@TheQuietPsycho

I’m “the VCR was heavy enough to bludgeon a large farm animal” years old

@Cheeseboy22

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

@isabelzawtun

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

@UnFitz

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

@mrjohndarby

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

@KalvinMacleod

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

@waydybee

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

@SirEviscerate

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*