@papasuncle

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

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@JayMindX

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

@NicestHippo

[australia’s first national meeting]
Do we want to make our own language?
That’s too hard, let’s keep this one but say everything weird

@JohnLyonTweets

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

@sixfootcandy

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

@Jake_Vig

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

@williamwanton

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

@DrakeGatsby

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

@patnspankme

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.