@papasuncle

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

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@tomipuff

I would like a warm hound please
“Excuse me?”
A flaming puppy
“…”
Fire canine
“Do you want a hot dog, ma’am?”
Yes. A scorching pooch

@KelgoreTrout

i named my first son “christian” and i named his twin brother “born-again christian”

@AndrewChamings

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

@rzarosco

Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?

@ThisOneSayz

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

@just1fool

Never pay attention to how often you’re blinking.

Sorry.

@AlanFelyk

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

@hell_doe

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

@JojoCaravan

An ambitious bodyguard can specialize and become a shin or mouth guard