goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
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4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
me: Should I pack condoms?
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
just found out that the name for a bat in old cornish dialect is ‘airymouse’ and literally nothing better can happen today.