@BuckyIsotope

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

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@Darlainky

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

@sixfootcandy

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

@Dawn_M_

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

@Chumpstring

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

@prufrockluvsong

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

@LindaInDisguise

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

@bobbiejo448

I love how all the characters in kids shows are always SO thrilled while at work. Like Bob never gets pissed over a missing screwdriver.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

@yeaanotherchris

*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.