My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
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(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
You’re never too old to disappoint your parents.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I love how all the characters in kids shows are always SO thrilled while at work. Like Bob never gets pissed over a missing screwdriver.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.