*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
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The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
What if all the cashiers are married?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.