@BuckyIsotope

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

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@PaperWash

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

@jonnysun

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

@karlainvt

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

@AbbyHasIssues

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

@Tbone7219

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

@RickAaron

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

@junejuly12

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

@UnFitz

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

@iwearaonesie

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

@dullandwicked

just found out that the name for a bat in old cornish dialect is ‘airymouse’ and literally nothing better can happen today.