*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter