*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
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I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?