Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
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Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
He took my last fry, your honor
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
A classic…
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
my proudest tweet
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.