Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
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We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Running your mouth is not cardio.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.