Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
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*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…