Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

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Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.


Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*


*fade to black*


Signs that things aren’t going well: 1) your gums bleed when u brush your hair. 2) u pray for the demise of the same 6 people every day.


The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.


Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous


I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.


there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again


Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.