Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
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Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.