@weasel_babe

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

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@skittle624

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

@jessforaminute

*Calls the DMV*

Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks

@skittle624

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

@sad_tree

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

@djdarrellripley

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

@joci2203

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

@SaddleLawman

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

@iwearaonesie

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

@lovemydogduck

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.

@TheBoydP

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…