triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

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I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.


*Calls the DMV*

Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks


I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.


[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”


Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”


Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.


Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.


[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100


Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.


When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…