triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
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It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do