I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
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*Calls the DMV*
Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…