I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
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Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before