Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
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The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Life cycle of cat
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
The Compass
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up