ME: you hear that?
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.
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son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Wife: *laying seductively on bed in lingerie* “C’mere baby”
Me: “OMG. Get off that bedspread. The hotel doesn’t wash those”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
Me: Do a puzzle?
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
D.A.: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: *wags tail*
D.A.: Then how do you explain the scattered trash?
Dog: *ears droop*
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary