Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.

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ME: you hear that?
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]


[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy


[hotel room]

Wife: *laying seductively on bed in lingerie* “C’mere baby”

Me: “OMG. Get off that bedspread. The hotel doesn’t wash those”


Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?


Me: Do a puzzle?


Me: Paint?


Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]


I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.


[dog trial]
D.A.: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: *wags tail*
D.A.: Then how do you explain the scattered trash?
Dog: *ears droop*
*jury gasps*


If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day


*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you


Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary