I’ll be mad as hell!
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If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
the dark web is just a goth google.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
We’ve come full circle
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*