@therealeatwood

TRIX RABBIT [finally eating a bowl of Trix cereal]: Ehh

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@wolfpupy

i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier

@brendohare

On your first day of prison, go up to the biggest, scariest guy there, and ask him “Have you heard of updog?”

@DaddyJew

*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*

@hpb777

6yo wants to “have a conversation” with the class bully’s parents. Either he’s mature beyond his years or he’s a mobster.

@sixfootcandy

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

@QwertyJones3

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

@TrophyWifeDayna

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

@newLettuce

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

@MissSassy_Pants

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

@Buffalojilll

Strange things: the prequel

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