TRIX RABBIT [finally eating a bowl of Trix cereal]: Ehh

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Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*


*opens new donut shop called “The Gym”*

You’re welcome.


Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom


“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother


Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.


HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight


Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.


I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”