My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.