Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
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Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST