We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
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I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.