Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
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When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else