Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

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My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.


North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.


[guy wearing a ski mask holds a gun to my head] “please go skiing with me I am so alone”


[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.



*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]


Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.


I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1


*naked in court*

Judge: What do you have to say for yourself?

Me: Well apparently the definition of “flash mob” is not what I excepted your honor.


[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”


[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.