My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he’s always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
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“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Boss: go to hell
Me: so stay? or leave? I’m confused
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Autocorrect just turned “stepdaughter” into “lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider”
Can’t wait to one day be a grandparent, to see my adorable grandson misbehave, then look at my son and say “Annoying, huh?”