@rickygervais

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

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@bengulate

My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.

@GrumpyBahr

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

@IRLPepperMD

[guy wearing a ski mask holds a gun to my head] “please go skiing with me I am so alone”

@Super_Cynthia

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

@squirrel74wkgn

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

@SequelsWeWant

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

@Alpot86

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

@Queen_Sassy_AF

*naked in court*

Judge: What do you have to say for yourself?

Me: Well apparently the definition of “flash mob” is not what I excepted your honor.

@murrman5

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

@TheToddWilliams

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.