My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they’re in for the rest of that day.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: goodnight kids
Kids: goodnight dad
Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad
Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.