@rickygervais

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

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@Megatronic13

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

@gerryhallcomedy

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

@DougStanhope

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

@Qu4rtKn33

Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they’re in for the rest of that day.

@TheBoydP

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

@thenatewolf

Me: goodnight kids

Kids: goodnight dad

Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad

Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT

@clichedout

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

@nyquills

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

@Ideal_Victoria

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.