Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
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Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.