Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms