Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
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My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.
you, dumb as shit: if I drink bleach it’ll kill me
me, a brain like none other: if i drink bleach, my pee will clean the toilet for me
My dog and I have two things in common:
We like burying our bones in other peoples backyards and fleas 🙁
It’s been quite a week. My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him this morning, but I set him down outside and now I can’t be sure which one is Simon.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that