[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
You Might Also Like
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it