@EndhooS

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

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@Parkerlawyer

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

@NotARatsAss

My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.

@captainkalvis

you, dumb as shit: if I drink bleach it’ll kill me

me, a brain like none other: if i drink bleach, my pee will clean the toilet for me

@johngaysee

My dog and I have two things in common:
We like burying our bones in other peoples backyards and fleas 🙁

@LittleMissAngr1

It’s been quite a week. My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him this morning, but I set him down outside and now I can’t be sure which one is Simon.

@DurtMcHurtt

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

@rudetanks

The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

@Browtweaten

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that