true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
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My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
good work, everybody
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.