True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
You Might Also Like
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
In Canada they just call them geese
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that