@nsterdan

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

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@BrianIncognito

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

@Area51eh

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.nnnI gave her all my wrinkled shirts.nnnAnd that’s how the fight started.

@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

@HMittelmark

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

@jctwritesstuff

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

@sarcasticmommy4

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

@mastrap84

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

@TheBoydP

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?