@nsterdan

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

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@AaronFullerton

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

@NickSchug

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

@ADHDeanASL

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

@Tuna_Lover

I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.

@shariv67

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

@UncleKermit

If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.

@KH0wes

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

@krisv_723

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?