True embarrassment lies within your first email address
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“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours