True embarrassment lies within your first email address

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I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”


If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”


I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday


I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.


Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.


If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.


Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead


[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?