True embarrassment lies within your first email address

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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.


Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.nnnI gave her all my wrinkled shirts.nnnAnd that’s how the fight started.


I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.


If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”


Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.


I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.


I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart


The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?