I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
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If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.
girl: brrrr it’s cold haha
me: you… you want my kimono?
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?