True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
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Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
S O O N
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Stop sending me this shit.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
😎 🍻
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.