True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
You Might Also Like
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin