[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
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I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
This is my brand.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares