Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
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What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I hope it’s French Onion!
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
“I FIXED IT!”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
water it, i dare you
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
These aren’t even hard anymore.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*