Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
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I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar