TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
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some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Just a reminder, folks:
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use