True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
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when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
love it when they get my name right
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.