True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
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said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
some things should go without saying
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain