Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

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I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.


*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*


*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles


Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph



Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick?
Me: Nope, you’re the first one.
Gf: What?
Me: What?


There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling “I HAVE THE POWEEER!” like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.


My local steak house serves nothing but vegetarian bc cows are vegetarian


I have watched this 30 times already since I discovered it under two minutes ago.


WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?