I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
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*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick?
Me: Nope, you’re the first one.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling “I HAVE THE POWEEER!” like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.
My local steak house serves nothing but vegetarian bc cows are vegetarian
I have watched this 30 times already since I discovered it under two minutes ago.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I will never stop laughing at this