TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
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my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Anyone really
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.