@WilliamRodgers

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

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@Dutch_50

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

@Smooheed

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

@mattZillaaaa

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

@Book_Krazy

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

@kentgrossarth

Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick?
Me: Nope, you’re the first one.
Gf: What?
Me: What?

@Mikecanrant

There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling “I HAVE THE POWEEER!” like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.

@ChuckGrassley

My local steak house serves nothing but vegetarian bc cows are vegetarian

@davecribb

I have watched this 30 times already since I discovered it under two minutes ago.

@daemonic3

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?