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Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]