@maggiemaymaybe

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

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@AllanForsyth

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

@brdeprima

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

@n0tblonde

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

@bossy_bootz

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

@neiltyson

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

@mommajessiec

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

@AimeeHelene1

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

@KyleMcDowell86

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

@seandunn76

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.