during childbirth, a woman can almost experience the excruciating pain felt by a world cup soccer player when someone lightly touches his leg.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
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Going down on a woman is the best.
The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail.
It was me.
“I’ll shave whoever I want! I’ll shave you, I’ll shave her! I’ll shave a goddamn baby if need be!”
Sean Connery, boasting about his heroism
Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth