@Elizasoul80

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

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@cmfh111

during childbirth, a woman can almost experience the excruciating pain felt by a world cup soccer player when someone lightly touches his leg.

@chagger73

Going down on a woman is the best.

The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time…

@MourningGlory_

Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail.

JK

It was me.

@Jabba_Jabba_Jaw

“I’ll shave whoever I want! I’ll shave you, I’ll shave her! I’ll shave a goddamn baby if need be!”

Sean Connery, boasting about his heroism

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.

@elunatyk

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

@BunAndLeggings

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

@Invisichad

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth