Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
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When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”