Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
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This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
😆this is so true
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Thursday Thought.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!