trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
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Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
This is a sub tweet
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.