Hand me my reading glasses
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
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The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I’ve decided that I’m just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.
In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.
Women are like Gremlins, get them wet and they get into all sorts of trouble.
Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you’re on Twitter and don’t even read books.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”