My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
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Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?