Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Trump called Kim Jong Un a “smart cookie.” That’s crazy — he reminds me more of a “murderous soft cheese.”
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If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
If you do a Marilyn Monroe-esque rendition of Happy Birthday, they’ll stop inviting you to their kid’s birthday parties.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
People who say a child’s laughter is the best sound in the world have clearly never heard my dog eat a crouton.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
why call it a “pork medallion” instead of a Hamulet