Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
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I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
*serious situation*
My brain:
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them