TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

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“Can’t argue with that!” he said, pointing to an inanimate object.


My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing


dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground


Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…


Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.


I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”


If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.