TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
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ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Yup….perfect score!
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.