TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
You Might Also Like
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses