i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
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“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
multitasking lunch
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.