@NicestHippo

TRUMP: I just killed & ate a homeless man
MEDIA: You’re a monster
TRUMP: This sort of political correctness is what’s ruining our country

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@megfraser

I’m surprised “slow internet connection” doesn’t come up more often as a motive in murder trials.

@LostFelicia

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

@superdadatron

My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer…

@Douchekevin

The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face.

I think she’s just found my twitter account

@portmanteauface

I’m not saying this one girl I dated in college wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but she did say she thought it was the sweetest thing ever when I told her I still made ice cubes using my grandmother’s recipe

@DanMentos

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring