TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
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If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.