TRUMP: I’m building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
AMERICANS: I’m going to Canada if Trump is elected.
CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.

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“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent


Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”


So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.


When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.


Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*


Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.


It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”


Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.


jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year