Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
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Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”