@theshamingofjay

TRUMP: I’m building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
AMERICANS: I’m going to Canada if Trump is elected.
CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.

You Might Also Like

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

@Laser_Cat

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

@johncheese

I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”

@kristendrum

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

@AimeeHelene1

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

@lmegordon

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

@kibblesmith

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.