@theshamingofjay

TRUMP: I’m building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
AMERICANS: I’m going to Canada if Trump is elected.
CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.

You Might Also Like

@ChaseMit

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

@Ideal_Victoria

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

@illiter8too

So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.

@AnniemuMary

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

@krisv_723

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

@MandiAtRandom

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

@PinkCamoTO

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

@JohnLyonTweets

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

@TweetsByKaylee

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year