“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
TRUMP: I’m building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
AMERICANS: I’m going to Canada if Trump is elected.
CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.
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Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I’m already an idiot, I just need a village
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year