Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
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Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front