“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
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This anagram machine is out of order.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Extremely relatable.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.