Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone

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“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”


Marijuana does have an adverse effect on my spelling skills. It’s to the point that Google even knows when I’m high.


Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope

And the cops always come sooner then you expect


A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.


GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.


Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.


earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that


A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.


Think about a nice pair of slacks. Now think about a panda. Now about radishes. Now about salt. I think you see where Im going with this.


ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES