@meganamram

Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone

You Might Also Like

@eileencurtright

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

@TheHatStore

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

@GingerHotDish

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

@Darlainky

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

@EddieHarris216

Announcer:
The referee has thrown a yellow flag. A red flag, a green, an orange, a blue. I’m now being told a magician has run on the field.

@MUMSIEesq

Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids’ most annoying toys in the trunk.

@coryrichardson_

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water

@okimstillhungry

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

@KKAlThani

Hey guys, I have to lettuce you know that I spend half of my celery on vegetables. You carrot stop eating them but that’s just my onion.