Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
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Is fake venison called venisn’t
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
every college guy’s fridge
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Who does Amazon think I am?