Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone
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Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
The referee has thrown a yellow flag. A red flag, a green, an orange, a blue. I’m now being told a magician has run on the field.
Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids’ most annoying toys in the trunk.
me: i snuck in some snacks
me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Hey guys, I have to lettuce you know that I spend half of my celery on vegetables. You carrot stop eating them but that’s just my onion.