Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My favorite part of going out is when I sneak out the club without saying bye to anyone to go home and sleep
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.