trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

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You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac


[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices


Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.


The Taliban heavily overestimates the need for monkey-bar training.


I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.


“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc


I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.


As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.


Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine