@randygdub: trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there's no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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@ThugRaccoons: Me: I’m going to mall Wife: For what? Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off? Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
@autocorrects: I don't understand why some snacks are "fun-sized", there's really nothing "fun" about having a smaller portion of food.
@HiddleDeeDee: A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control--I saved one for my kids. To split.
@DaddyJew: Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool? Me: I don't even want to see my own kid do something cool