@randygdub

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

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@RodLacroix

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

@boring_as_heck

Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.

@_Water_Baby

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

@UnFitz

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

@trustmedaddy

My favorite part of going out is when I sneak out the club without saying bye to anyone to go home and sleep

@007Pepe_Rex

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

@RatchetAfrican

If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.