@randygdub

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

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@bornmiserable

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

@seancehat

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

@daddydoubts

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

@Sarcasmo718

The Taliban heavily overestimates the need for monkey-bar training.

@QwertyJones3

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

@Bob_Heller

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

@joeljeffrey

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

@SteussieErica

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

@BoogTweets

Date: you know that was just a filter, right?

Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine