trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
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When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.